My Kingdom for a Smooch!

Friends, I have a confession to make. I am what is known as a "gamer," which means that from time to time I have been known to play a video game. Now recently I found myself playing a genre of video games that I believe is called a visual novel. Very interesting stuff, it's like a book where you get to choose what the protagonist says!

In this particular visual novel I found myself at the center of attention among some very lovely young ladies. They were all vying for my love, however, I only had eyes for one girl in particular. Not only was she incredibly cute, but I also found her fiery personality enthralling. Apparently, her initially cold exterior is a common trope in these visual novels, a trait known as TSUNDERE. Nevertheless, I was determined to make her mine.

It was all going so swimmingly. Slowly, methodically, I was breaking down her defenses. We were pulling closer towards each other, magnetic attraction transforming us from strangers, acquaintances, to friends, to something even more? And as I began to see her true personality, the sweet caring person who for so long stayed hidden behind a facade of sternness, I found myself falling even harder. Then it happened. Auspiciously, fate brought her to my house for a day of baking cupcakes for the school festival. My heart raced, could this be the culmination of all my hard work? Would this be the day that I finally receive a smooch? Alas, the winds of fate did not fill my sails. Unforeseen events blocked my path to the land of smooches, and the narrative of the visual novel directed me further and further from my love. Eventually the game ended, and I found myself smoochless and alone.

Oh my dear friends! Wherever will I go now for the smooch I so strongly desire? You may find my torment humorous. "It's just a kiss," you say, "what's the big deal?" Well, I do not normally raise my voice to friends, but YOU ARE WRONG! A smooch is not a mere "kiss." If it were, I could fulfill my quest by simply visiting a lady of the night. I can assure you that I am capable of kissing a girl, in fact I have done so more than once. But a smooch, a smooch is different. A smooch is a grand accomplishment, akin to scaling mount Everest or winning an eating contest. So much more than a simple meeting of lips, a smooch signifies that the smooch-giver, or smoocher, truly loves the one they smooch, the smoochee. The smoocher celebrates the smoochee for all that they are, and forgives them for all that they are not. A smooch may be given in celebration for a great feat, say scoring a touchdown, or a smooch may be given to complete the bonds of true love. This, my friends, is the smooch I long for.

Ahab had his whale, I have my smooch. And instead of a wooden leg, I have a heart broken by a snaggletoothed, two-dimensional vixen.